Checking In: Party of One

Up 330 steps of spiraling stairs I climbed until I reached the top of the dome of St. Peter’s basilica. As I emerged, I could see the colonnade, the Pantheon and all of Rome laid out below me. From inside the gallery, the sounds of music and soft whispers rose from a church service taking place below.

This was a delightful surprise -- a stolen moment -- an experience that almost didn’t happen.

It all started while I was visiting Umbria with a guy I was dating. In the middle of our trip we had a disagreement and I ended up spending the day by myself. I ate lunch alone in a charming restaurant, had a pleasant conversation with the couple sitting next to me and wandered around the city. I enjoyed myself so much that I wanted to stay and explore more of Italy but we were scheduled to leave for a business meeting the following day.

At that moment I faced a choice. The “little people” inside my head, who only see the negative, told me it wasn’t safe for a woman to travel alone, that I couldn’t have fun without a companion and that I had an obligation. But the truth was, I wanted to stay. The decision I made that day opened up the world to me and showed me that there was no reason to put off experiencing it just because I didn’t have someone to go with.

Today, 32 million single, American women travel at least once a year, one third of them travels more than five times a year -- alone. Like me, they have decided to quit listening to fear and doubt in exchange for searching out whatever adventures await. Here are some common-sense ideas that will help you get out and experience the world as a single traveler:

•  Ask for help. The hotel concierge, shop employees and wait staff are very accommodating and can steer you where to go and what places to avoid.

•  Ask yourself what circumstances would make you vulnerable then determine how to avoid them.  When in doubt, make sure someone knows when to expect you back.

•  Only carry one day’s worth of cash and one credit card on you and use the hotel safe for your remaining funds and passport.

•  If you have to use an ATM, pick a machine on a busy street and go during daytime hours.  Never store all your money in the same place. 

•  In case of an emergency (ex. stolen phone) go to an internet café and get on FB or use emails to communicate.

•  Know where you’re going before you leave and the name, address, phone number and email of where you are staying so you’ll know where to return.

•  Know your limit. I never have more than one glass of wine when I’m alone because I know the second will lead to the third and that is what will impair my judgment.

•  Have a sense of purpose when walking through airports, subways and train stations. Online maps and information sites will help you know where you’re going.

•  Take a trial run. If you’re not sure you can travel alone at this time, take along your significant other but ask them to let you do it your way. Plan the trip as if you were taking it alone and have the experience you’re looking for.

If Time Is Currency, How Are You Spending Yours?

I admit it. I’m just a tad bit obsessive about my time. I like having things in order, I think idle time is wasted time and I never do one task when I can multi-task. It’s true, I brush my teeth in the shower and I set my timer so I’m done getting ready or done with a mini home workout by the time my meal comes out of the oven. And while that may seem a bit much for some of you, consider this; I only work six months out of the year.

I’m often asked how I can afford to have so much free time to travel, see my kids, and start a second business. The answer came to me while I was talking to Missy, one of my clients at the salon.

At the time, I was in a relationship with a man from South Africa. When he decided to return home, I began to think of ways we could still see each other while living on two different continents. My client helped me see how with a bit of creative planning, I could manage to fit in the same number of clients in fewer days by working longer hours and making schedule changes. The result was that in six weeks I could do three months’ worth of work.

Even though the relationship ended, I have kept my work schedule. It gives me free time to see the world and spend time with family. If I wanted, I could even live somewhere else. The way I look at it, by planning for my life I’m always ahead of it. If I didn’t plan, I’d feel like I was behind my life always trying to catch up.

Here are some tips I have found to help you manage your time so that you’ll have more of it to spend creating the life you want to live:

•  Find someone objective who you trust. Ask them what areas they see in your life that aren’t serving you or are simply being wasted.  Quiet the little people and reflect on it.

•  Keep track of how you are spending your time over the course of several weeks. Where could you be saving time? What could you accomplish with that saved time?

•  Ask yourself, “If I only had more time, I’d love to ___________.” Fill in the blank with something you long to do but don’t see possible at this pace/stage of your life. You’ll never manage your time wisely unless you have something you’re trying to save it for.

•  Prioritize your life into things that are urgent and non-urgent, important and non-important. The urgent things have to get done (ex. you have to go to work). The important things need to get done (ex. going to the gym). What are the non-urgent things that you can reassign to another day? What are the non-important things that you can set aside?

•  Don’t excuse the things you need to prioritize. Things like your health, your values and the success of your family should never be overlooked.

Get A Move On!

When I was a kid I loved to eat. I don’t mean that I enjoyed the occasional slice of cake or that I got a thrill at the sound of the ice cream truck. I mean I literally ate all the time. It was always more about quantity than quality. My mother said I ate like an “obrero” – the Spanish word for a male laborer.  My plate was always filled to the rim and highest at the table. Fortunately, I was athletic so the food I ate never seemed to land on me. That is, until I reached 30.

In my thirties, I began to pick up weight faster than I could keep it off. One day, I pointed across the room at my dad and I saw the bottom of my arm jiggling. I had seen first-hand what a poor diet and obesity could lead to and I knew I’d better act fast. Many of my family members had diabetes and were either blind or amputees by the time they died. That was scary, but an even more immediate problem for me was the fact that as a single mother on a fixed income I couldn’t afford to buy new clothes.

My limited income also meant that I couldn’t afford expensive equipment, trainers or gym memberships. So I decided to take it to the street -- literately. One morning at 4:30, while it was still dark outside, I began to run. I made sure the girls were asleep and safe inside and I began to go up and down the street where I lived. Back and forth, always in view of the house, until I was drenched in sweat and too winded to talk.

Here’s how I began my journey with exercise, where I got the motivation and how I stopped a problem in its tracks that too many other women my age seemed to have succumbed to:

Build on a little at a time. To say I ran that first morning is a bit of an exaggeration. The truth is, I walked. Eventually I worked up to alternating between jogging and walking -- lengthening the time I was running and shortening the time I walked as time went on. Until one day, I was running. For all you ladies who say, “I’m not a runner,” here’s the secret: make short goals and increase them a little every day. For me, it began with saying “I won’t stop until I reach that pole.” Then maybe the next day, I’d stretch it to the next mailbox and then the one after that -- each day adding on to what I did the day before, making the goal just a little bit harder.

Find a way to drown out the “little people.” The little people are those nagging voices inside my head that tell me I can’t do something. They undermine my goals, mess with my mojo and try to get me to buy into negative thoughts. When you exercise, they are always the loudest the first five minutes. Music is what I use to motivate me, help me find my groove and drown out the voices that say “this is too hard. Just give up now.” I tell them “Shh…quiet now” , and after a few minutes, I find I’m in the zone and it’s not so hard to keep going.

Find the workout that motivates you. At first running was my passion. Since then, I’ve tried swimming, spin classes, pilates/yoga and a whole list of other workouts. The key is to find what you love at the moment, don’t let yourself get into a rut and mix it up so your body is always being challenged. Remember, just because you loved it last year, doesn’t mean it will be what motivates you now.

Be accountable. I need accountability. Sometimes it’s that friend who is waiting for me to show up at her house. Other times, it’s knowing I’ve paid for that membership or class. Find whatever it is that will hold you accountable to your goals.

Remember the benefits. When I first started running, I was a single mom with two kids and an 80-hour work week. There were plenty of reasons for me not to exercise. What kept me going was knowing the incredible amount of energy I’d have when it was over. I used that energy to get me up in the early morning, to get me through my work day and to help me find all the time I could to spend with my kids.

Born To Run

It’s amazing how loud the voices can be sometimes. The “little people,” as I like to call them, are those nagging thoughts inside my head that tell me I can’t do it, I’m not supposed to behave a certain way, I have limitations. They’re like a horse’s bit, holding me back when all I want to do is run.

I guess I’ve always had them. Born from a tragedy in my childhood, they are the reason I was seduced into two abusive relationships back to back. In those days I paid an awful lot of attention to their lies. I remember how loud they seemed to me; and I also remember the moment I chose to stop listening.

We all come to that crossroad sooner or later -- the point when we have to decide if our sense of courage is stronger than our sense of fear. For me, it was when I made the choice to leave a bad marriage, travel to another country and make a life for me and my two girls. I came to the United States from Puerto Rico without a college degree or a husband, and I took a job making $65 a week doing hair. What I found was a career I love, a sense of security I created myself and a place I call home.

Today, I’m 53 years old. I’m a successful business woman, an entrepreneur and a life coach. I no longer feel that sensation of drowning in fear. Over time, one strong decision after another, I’ve learned to swim.

In this blog, I hope to encourage you to quiet those thoughts in your own head that keep you from being all you want to be. I’ll share my struggles and triumphs, the lessons I’ve picked up along the way and tips for helping you become your best self. We’ll talk about everything from singleness to finances, exercise to travel.  Need a healthy recipe? You’ll find it here. Want some ideas on improving your time management?  Check back in. Looking for tips on dating later in life? Well, I’ve got those too.

Mainly what you’ll find at a Margarita Moment is a cheerleader telling you that life doesn’t always have to be like this -- you can change, you can reinvent yourself and there’s no age limit on your dreams. Do I still hear the little people? Sure. Sometimes it’s when someone tells me I’m kind and I remember all those times an abuser told me I was selfish. Other times it’s when a man tells me I’m beautiful and I hear it but don’t necessarily see it. The little people are still there trying to keep me small, but I’ve learned to change the dialogue. I’ve learned that what I can become is stronger than what I once was.  I invite you to come along for the journey and discover how you can start living the life you were meant to live as well.